he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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