This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I wear drunk well.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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