Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize