So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
