My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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