I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
