Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize