Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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