In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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