Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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