my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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