hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
