i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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