Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
