Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
