We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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