I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
