Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
