Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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