I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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