Moan for me like Helen Keller
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize