I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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