So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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