i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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