I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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