Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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