He had one of those small greek statue penises
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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