I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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