i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
