does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
