her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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