I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Randomize
