Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
