Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
