I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
