totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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