She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
