omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
