there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She swung at the pinata with crutches
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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