hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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