You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
