Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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