ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
