she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
