They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
