i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
