I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize