Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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