Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
