Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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