please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
