cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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