I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
