i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
