the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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