Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
