No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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