If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
where are you?
Hypothermia
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
