Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
