The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Is it penis luge time yet?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize