Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
