This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
How does one acquire holy water?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize