shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
